Question by Alaska: Well, tell me what you think of this piece, please?
I wrote this for a writing contest. A fast-paced writing contest, where each round lasts about thirty minutes.
Thus, not much editing has been done, yet. Its really long for one of these, tho.
Please elaborate in your critiques, please!
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Echoes penetrate the silence, a man walking the path of faith standing alone in the corridor. Grinning as he stood upon that which had sinned. The body convulsed once more , a silent ‘why’ passing between the grain, and the hand that tore it so forcefully from the ground.
“You have lost your way…” he spoke, sanity forgotten between his words. Face torn between a smile and a scowl.
“The devil…has…corrupted you, he has spoken through you, for…far too long…” The man kneeled down to face his fellow, now speaking softly to his beaten body.
“Go home to Father, child…” Gently placing a small, calloused cross along the pool of blood resting on the mans chest, he walked away.
Sparing one, nostalgic glance, the man spoke to the void of the station, to the whispered rumble of the train, shaking miles away.
“Mother would be happy…” The aged walls bore no response, but the man seemed to need none. Crossing the platform with a content look on his face, drying blood dripping from his hands.
Rising the steps, the man wasted a moment questioning the sirens in the distance. Simply shrugging it off, he chose merely not to continuously question to work of sinners. One would quickly find themselves wasting time, he reasoned.
Quiet tranquility, excluding the roaring train heard from afar, consumed this city. All lights were blackened, and but a single person stood outside, staring with a wondrous look at the beautiful night sky above him.
Curiously, the sirens grew closer, and the man questioned to himself what act of sin could have been committed on such a peaceful and holy night. Placing his blood-crusted hands in the pockets of his winter coat, the man continued on, breathing in the sights and sounds of the holidays. His breath forming a warm cloud just forward of his face.
Still, the blaring noise, symbolizing authority, grew amazingly close. So close, in fact, that the man spun around, quite playfully, on his heels, to see what this was all about.
Only to find the black and white car camouflaged in the snowy night behind him. An officer in a thick coat standing behind the driver-side door, screaming at him, he supposed, to put his hands over his head.
“Something wrong, Officer?” Speaking pleasantly, casually, his crusted hands betrayed him, shifting nervously behind his jacket. This law man would not see that raw righteousness in his work. He was certain.
“I am on a team investigating a series of murders over the past years. You are our top suspect.” The officer spoke stiffly and authoritively, showing great force in his tone.
“Well, I can’t quite imagine why!” The man laughed heartily, pure fakery.
Grinning, the officer replied confidently. “You are a very religions man, aren’t you?”
“Why, yes, I am. May I inquire as to why you wish to know?” Could he know that it was him?
“Thou shall not kill, Mr. Cambridge.” The grin of the blue-clad man fading into a look of displeasure as he queried. Then, of all things, he laughed! His wrist slack on the car door, he laughed harder and harder as the scowl on the man across from him grew.
“You’ve not even read the Bible, have you?” He laughed, more, and more…maddeningly so.
The man now dubbed Cambridge look in horror at the lawman who crouched with..with horrid laughter…
“Shut your damned mouth!” Cambridge yelled with more volume, every word. Sanity being lost as his faith was questioned.
Guffawing still, the officer replied, between gasps. “Sorry, but I…I don’t..negotiate with..with..heathens!” The uniformed man banged his hand on the car door, now, his sides exploding with laughter.
“I’m not..you are! Sinning demon!” The man ran forth with anger, pushing doubt from his mind. Mother was always right..and mother said those who laughed at their belief deserved death and damnation! Wide eyed with insanity, the man ran hard and loud.
But the officer only continued to laugh at his Satanic jests as Cambridge approached. Even as the knife was raised, shining brightly, magnificently, in the Christmas eve moonlight. Only as blood drawn, and pain burned, did the lawman fear.your sins!” Cambridge yelled madly, desperately. His actions were justified by this mans
“Yes, yes! Fear damnation for sinful nature, he was certain.
As the warmth of new blood coated his fingers. the rumbling of the train quieted.
Just before the screams were heard, the lights flared, and a black and white car sped away.
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Oh, and if it matters to anyone, I’m fourteen.
Best answer:
Answer by BeautyBlitz
For starters, your opening line is off. Echoes penetrate the silence, a man walking the path of faith standing alone in the corridor—why not try—A man walking the path of faith is standing alone in the corridor as echoes penetrate the silence.
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Police don’t just stroll up to people and announce that they are the police’s TOP suspect.
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“Why, yes, I am. May I inquire as to why you wish to know?” Could he know that it was him?
The question after the priests response is unnecessary and actually gives too much away. You want the reader to wonder whether or not the priest had anything to do with the murders.
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I’m not..you are! Sinning demon!”—THis line reads too much like “you’re a doody head” “not I’m not, you’re a doody head”
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Only as blood drawn, and pain burned, did the lawman fear.your sins!” Cambridge yelled madly, desperately. His actions were justified by this mans
“Yes, yes! Fear damnation for sinful nature, he was certain.
I think here you got ahead of yourself and didn’t proofread after because it’s like you are missing parts of your sentences and dialogue.
On the whole the idea is an allright one, your dialogue needs work and if you are going to write about a cop I suggest you do a little research. Cops don’t march up to thier number one suspect of 5 unsolved murders and announce to him that HE is their top suspect.
Know better? Leave your own answer in the comments!
