Question by Robin: Does this sound okay, and would you read it?
this is the 3rd reedited redraft of the first few paragraphs of my book i’m currently writing. i want to know if you would read or even buy this if you picked it up in a shop and read the first couple of pages. tell me what you like about it, and what you don’t. all comments welcome 🙂
so here you go:
“She’s coming,” hissed a voice from deep within the shadows.
“When?” whispered a second voice curiously.
“We’ve waited years for this. You’d better not screw it up or-” snapped a third voice, annoyance seething from it.
“Shut up, you know we can’t be heard.” shot back the second voice.
“She comes sooner than you think.” the first voice hissed eerily, and the other two fell quiet.
I was already late, I knew that much.
I began walking up the stone stairway towards the wrought iron gate. It had been painted in the summer, but the cold wind and frost had been picking at the paint to reveal blooded rust innards. The stone beneath my feet was steadily accumulating dark blotches as the the flakes of snow drifted down, but didn’t settle. It stretched from the road to the gate, right up to the school front doors. A twisted yew treed bared its gnarled hands towards the slowly darkening sky, resting to the right of the path just behind that gate.
I suppose I was lucky, that day,that the snow wasn’t heavier and blocked the trains going south. There were delays, but i could live with that. I couldn’t afford to wait until tomorrow for another train, my meager amount of money wasn’t enough for a hotel room. Instead, i waited for an extra four hours on the freezing platform watching the snow clouds draw closer, blown by chill north winds. my train outran the clouds, and i sat in my lumpy seat for three and a half hours next to squalling babies and a drooling old man.
the crisp, fresh air of the southern mountains was a relief after the smoky platforms and train carriages that reeked of cigarettes and baby sick. the gate under my woolen gloves was icy, finger numbingly cold a i pushed it, and it swung open with a creak. I stepped into the shadow of the yew and shivered with nerves, cold and a weird instinctive fear that i couldn’t pin, but it might have been the creepy shadows cast by the tree.
I pushed my plaits ouoffy face and looked away from the tree. The grounds surrounding the school building were huge. a series of low box hedges, dull with winter, ran across a section of the lawn with gravel paths in between. an algae covered fountain stood silently, its forlorn face staring down. a clump of sickly roses stood in front of the school building, while wide playing field stretched behind the school.
so what do you think?
the plot is, girl goes to new school, doesn’t fit in, makes some friends, they happen to be evil witches, she discovers her mother was a vampire who died shortly after she was born, so she was targeted by the evil cult of teenagers, she nearly is sacrificed to a demon, she scuffs the summoning circle with her blood and the demon kills the other girls.
Answer by Eva
sounds good. that’s all i can say because i don’t know the plot.
Add your own answer in the comments!