Question by : Read my story? Give me advice?
A thirteen year old ith a big passion for writing. Read and tell me what you think, if you wanna hear more I can email it to you if you ask me [email protected]
I opened the rickety, grubby front door and suddenly, the heavens opened
Millions of years worth of rain shatter down, bouncing onto the ground and onto my car.
Fantastic, I think, remorsefully. I rush through the rain to my little bug, and swiftly climb inside. My hair is damp, clinging to my neck, feeling like slugs, and my denim jacket was already completely wet through. It was definitely torrential. I quickly turned on the heaters, and finally reeved buggy to life. I glared at my rain splatted jeans. The engine dwindled, and then came on full power, until it finally idled to a low rumble. I sighed, a little annoyed as I put on my rusty window wipers, which scraped the windscreen to shreds, creaking anciently. I yanked it into reverse and then stomped down on the pedal to make my car sluggishly move off the drive. It was slow. Painfully slow.
“C’mon Buggy..” I say half-heartedly “You can do this”. I had a bad habit of talking to inanimate objects, crazy thing with me. Buggy crawled along the road, taking her time, and the usual horns of angry drivers beeped as we passed, many behind us because they were stuck behind, and a few finally overtook. A few people shouted and I got a few fingers too. I went tomato red, sinking into my seat, feeling mortified although these people didn’t know me. I ran my fingers through my hair obsessively, ridding it of the dense tangles and knots that clung to my tight ringlets, whilst also checking my makeup in my mirror. Amazing multitasking, Katie, i think. Finally, i managed to pull up into the school car park, mumbling under my breath at the faster cars speeding up into the spaces. I swung round the corner, eyeing up a space in front. As I parked, I quickly stole some time to touch up on my eyeliner, reapply lipgloss, and i was good to go. Or, as good as I’d ever be.. I slammed the door behind me, failed, and slammed it more forcefully, turning the key in the door, whilst everybody else used their stupid automatic lock keys, it took me a while, and although the rain was letting up, I still got very wet. Maybe some guys liked the wet rat look? I coughed and picked up my bag from the gravel. Head facing the floor, I walk-ran under the roofed area of the school, perching on the steps as I wondered how to approach the mass of tightly packed people.
“Kay! You-Whooo!” I heard a booming but familiar voice yell through the teenage rambling, almost immediately as I reached shelter. Everyone was here, gathered like animals. All of us were not wanting to get wet in the rain, but not wanting to yet go to lessons. I weaved my way through the teenagers, carefully, because knocking the wrong person could end in tears. Its like a raging jungle, animals waiting for their prey. Thankfully, me being painfully skinny helped here, i could squeeze between two people having a conversation without touching them, and being small enough that i wasn’t in their line of vision, i didn’t get noticed. I held my breath all the same, waiting for the roars. Finally, I reached safety. I sat across from Rebecca, in her carefully picked and bagsied spot on the bench near the edge of the platform. She must’ve fought off a couple people for this table, I thought. We had a nice, gloomy view of the pelting rain. I liked rain, though. made me feel strangely cosy and comfortable. I looked up at the sky again, watching the grey clouds dance.
“Hiya! Look how rainy it it, Kate! God! But rain is actually good for your hair, so I’m not too bothered. Ugly though.” Rebecca rambled instantly. Her voice was very comforting, like a blanket.
“Ugly?” I said in disbelief, “It’s beautiful. Gloomy, yeah, but ugly? It sets a nice atmosphere, really.”
“Um, Lou, it’s rain. Wet and wet and more wet. In fact, that’s all there is to it! Stupid rain. Horrid. Beautiful?” She snorted. Oh, and Lou was her pet name for me.
“Then let’s agree to disagree.” I finalise.
“Fine, fine. But rain is quite descriptive, isn’t it? Gloomy, shattering, pounding…sounds fun to write about.” she suggested.
Rebecca had a serious thing for writing, and she was convinced she was going to be a big star someday. She kind of devoted her life to it, really. Instead of having an ensuite bathroom, which I would die for, her parents converted it into her own personal writing study thing. It’s actually more of some kind of snug, or living room.
I’ve written way more but that’s all that fits, please email me so I can give you the whole thing?:( [email protected] thanks
Answer by Dorothy Gale™
Your tense is all over the place! First it’s past, then it goes to present, then past and back and forth. Each tense lasts for a few sentences or less. You really need to proof-read that.
Your actual descriptions are pretty good, and your words flow pretty nicely.
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