Can Someone Read Over My Short Story? Very Short?

Question by Spongecakes: Can someone read over my short story? Very short?
Every Wednesday we have to submit a short story that fits into creative writing. Could you read over mine and tell me what you think? (This may be stupid sounding, but don’t steal please)

It’s tilted “Parr and his Parasol”

Neither Parr nor his Parasol could keep away from Tall tower. Whenever he would pass the large structure he would plead with his Mama to let him climb. The beautiful beast stood in the middle of the market where it was a skeleton baring it’s black metallic bones. Mama’s flat denials always came with the same warning rhyme.

She would shake her gloved finger and say, “Tall Tower is no place for a boy to play. now do as the sign says, and keep away.” But despite all warnings, Parr simply didn’t car. When the chance came, he quickly snatched it, and lost his mother. He ducked under the wooden sign, slipping in silently. The ground was covered in grime, and the air was filled with an Iron musk. Tall tower was a maze of passageways, all the Iron doors and crumbling bridges screamed at Parr to turn back. The contrasting temperature from room to room tried to halt the boy with icy chills and the boiling heat waves tried to force him back. But Parr wasn’t about to turn back; he knew him and Perry, his Parasol, were just the right men for this grueling task. He was forced to jump off ledges, climb ladders against forceful gusts, and even use Perry as a sail to get across fallen bridges.

After what seemed to be hours a tired Parr, pale skin markered with sticky dirt and light hair stained with turbine oils, was almost to the top. With an exuberant smile and a mad dash, the pair toppled over the stairs to open the final door. Slowly he stepped out into a foggy white platform. Before Parr could cry for his mommy he was suddenly tumbling. He was fall down down down! As clouds passed by him he thought that surely this was the end of him and Perry. Luckily the lad was sharp and thought up a solution. A quick pluck at Perry’s sash opened the kind-hearted Parasol and his speed slowed. Lightly, Parr floated down to the ground. When he looked around he noticed that this wasn’t his village, and this DEFINITELY was NOT earth. Reality finally sunk in and the tears swelled. Parr didn’t fall down to earth; he fell UP to . . . somewhere else. As Parr looked frantically around through light-warping tears he realized something. Mama was right, Mama was right all along, the Tower was no place for a boy, in-fact, it was no place for anyone! He lifted up Perry and spoke through sobs,

“Perry, it looks like signs really are meant to be read!” was the last fragment of Parr to ever grace earth’s air.
My Inspiration was The Eiffel tower, and I tried to make it a cute cautionary tale.
The tower is rusty and old. The “Iron Musk” is like when you can smell the metal. Sort of how you can smell the iron in blood. Hence “Iron Musk”
I tried to make the tower whimsical amd unrealistic with all it’s crazy bridges and brutal temperatures. Basically everything is telling Parr and Perry to turn back, like his mother said, but he refuses.

Best answer:

Answer by 7
Hm… It could do with a bit of editing, but it has the structure of a nice story, and for a weekly contribution it’s an excellent work. And it might make a good platforming game, come to think of it…

I’ve only got a few questions. Why is all the strange stuff in the tower, and just what is iron musk?

Give your answer to this question below!

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2 Responses to “Can Someone Read Over My Short Story? Very Short?”

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  1. Gemi says:

    It’s not bad at all. You should lengthen it to include more dialogue and you need to add more rising action before the climax. I also think it might come across as slightly patronizing to the reader when Perry realized he “fell up to..somewhere else.” Readers will know it’s “Heaven” because it’s not Earth. And there are a few misspellings and some things were a bit uncertain for me. I had to read “Mama’s flat denials always came with the same warning rhyme,” twice to understand it to mean that the mother’s warnings mimicked the sign…not a big deal-obviously..but it’s always best to keep things clear.

    Overall I thought it was cute but I wanted to see more character development and wanted to be shown more than told in some spots. And the anticipation to the climax wasn’t much so you need to build the rising action before the climax of him falling off. Only one sentence told me how excited the boy was “With an exuberant smile and a mad dash, the pair toppled over the stairs to open the final door.”

    And there was only three sentences that began to build anticipation (rising action), when there should have been paragraphs. Those were: “But Parr wasn’t about to turn back; he knew him and Perry, his Parasol, were just the right men for this grueling task. He was forced to jump off ledges, climb ladders against forceful gusts, and even use Perry as a sail to get across fallen bridges. After what seemed to be hours a tired Parr, pale skin markered with sticky dirt and light hair stained with turbine oils, was almost to the top.”

    After some revision this would be very cute and well done. I love morals to the end of short stories. Too often I see confusing short stories with seemingly no concrete theme or moral at the end. So it’s nice to see you bringing back the tradition. Good luck :)

  2. I_love_my_godmom says:

    Could use some editing but sounds great.