Will someone please revise my essay?

cloud platform
by rhodes

Question by : Will someone please revise my essay?
I am an in the 8th grade. I have been asked to write a paper on a sound that I will never forget. I have decided to take a risk and do a bit of creative writing (the risk being that there is always someone who doesn’t like it). Anyway I have never submitted a creative work before because it has never been asked. If you could please give me some feed-back, do some revising, or simply tell my if you think that is good enough to be accepted it would be very much appreciated.
Here is the paper:

One sound I shall never forget captivated me almost seven years ago. Never will I forget the day we drove through that vicious storm, but it is not the terrifying sights that are seared into my memory, not the lightning, not the clouds, not the darkness, but the sound. That sound that attacked me and consumed my very being then, and even now. The sound of the storm.

It came almost instantly. With no more than a few subtle flashes and quiet gusts of wind, like a snake approaching its unsuspecting prey, it was upon us. We drove on with no uneasiness, chatting, laughing, babbling about the days events, but suddenly something, something was out of place. It began to hail. The sky was turning black like all light on earth was immediately stifled. Then came the thunder. Loud claps like gunshots rang through our ears. Rain and hail smothered us as my dad picked up speed. My mother turned on the radio and heard the tornado siren play. We listened to the recording say the names of the towns being effected by the storm. Our town, Holy Springs, was the most threatened of the towns listed. We were frozen with disbelief. A deep growl broke the momentary silence. A shaking so violent that it nearly thrust our car off the road. The moan continued growing louder, louder. The sounds became unbearable! My brother cried, my mother prayed, my dad cursed, and I sat silent. I was completely awestruck, I didn’t know what to think, say, or do. So I sat there listening, waiting. The shaking became more violent now as did the humming. The storm was a train as we stood on the platform. But suddenly there was nothing. There was no thunder, no crying, no shaking. Nothing. We pulled into our driveway and as we exited the car one final blast of rain and wind hit us hard. Rushing into the house not knowing what we would see, we ran to the basement. Once again there was nothing. Silence.

Best answer:

Answer by incandescent
Well, I think that is excellent for 8th grade writing! You evoked the sounds of the storm and the feelings they engendered in you very well. Below I have copied your writing with just two spelling corrections, which are in capital letters to make them easy to find.

I hope your teacher is not a stickler for syntax. You have a couple of places where your grammar is non-standard and there are areas that could be more polished, but to me they make the paragraph sound more natural and don’t detract from its effect.

(If your teacher IS a stickler, say so in the comments and I will point out these areas.)

One sound I shall never forget captivated me almost seven years ago. Never will I forget the day we drove through that vicious storm, but it is not the terrifying sights that are seared into my memory, not the lightning, not the clouds, not the darkness, but the sound. That sound that attacked me and consumed my very being then, and even now. The sound of the storm.

It came almost instantly. With no more than a few subtle flashes and quiet gusts of wind, like a snake approaching its unsuspecting prey, it was upon us. We drove on with no uneasiness, chatting, laughing, babbling about the DAY’S events, but suddenly something, something was out of place. It began to hail. The sky was turning black like all light on earth was immediately stifled. Then came the thunder. Loud claps like gunshots rang through our ears. Rain and hail smothered us as my dad picked up speed. My mother turned on the radio and heard the tornado siren play. We listened to the recording say the names of the towns being AFFECTED by the storm. Our town, Holy Springs, was the most threatened of the towns listed. We were frozen with disbelief. A deep growl broke the momentary silence. A shaking so violent that it nearly thrust our car off the road. The moan continued growing louder, louder. The sounds became unbearable! My brother cried, my mother prayed, my dad cursed, and I sat silent. I was completely awestruck, I didn’t know what to think, say, or do. So I sat there listening, waiting. The shaking became more violent now as did the humming. The storm was a train as we stood on the platform. But suddenly there was nothing. There was no thunder, no crying, no shaking. Nothing. We pulled into our driveway and as we exited the car one final blast of rain and wind hit us hard. Rushing into the house not knowing what we would see, we ran to the basement. Once again there was nothing. Silence.

What do you think? Answer below!

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