What Do You Think of My Short Passage for My Novel?

Question by Mariah: What do you think of my short passage for my novel?
I am fourteen years old and wants to be a writer. I need help taking off on a good first page and I enjoy writing. So please tell me what you think?

A cool summer breeze brushed against Crystal Collins’s warm cheeks. It was a beautiful Saturday afternoon and not one cloud was insight. A big white airplane soared several feet above her head, making a high, whistling sound. She was standing outside the airport with her younger brother, J.C., her mother, Joyce, and her father, Ron. She had one purple suitcase dragging in one hand and a purple duffle bag in the other. Her dark-brown hair was tied back into a medium-length ponytail; her dark brown eyes gleamed into the sunlight, the hem of her purplish-blue dress flowed against the wind, and her metallic Coach platforms scraped against the freshly paved sidewalk.

Best answer:

Answer by Haley Jaley
hmmm….. the writing is a bit clumsy at the moment. always avoid the word BIG – it shounds childish.

There is far too much description in this passage, try to spread it out and maybe describe what she looks like in a later paragraph instead of choking the reader with all this in the first paragraph

hope i helped.

x

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4 Responses to “What Do You Think of My Short Passage for My Novel?”

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  1. J V says:

    Since you are only 14 it is pretty good. My advice would be to try to make it less choppy. read the passage out loud, it really does not flow very well. Your descriptions are good,and really paint a picture of the scene. The last sentence is way too long, but was probably your subconcious way of trying to make the story less choppy, but just goes on too long. Also how can her shoes scrape if she is standing? Just a small thing…. honestly it is not great, but there are some good things in there keep practicing.

  2. Wondercookie says:

    Close your eyes and put yourself there at the airport. Imagine things as real as you can.

    Would a plane really fly several feet above your head? That seems a little dangerous to me. :(

    If you want to be a writer, read a lot of books. If you find a passage that really strikes you, take time to re-read the words, tasting them. Pay special attention to details.

    You don’t have to describe everything to put a reader into a certain spot. Sometimes the smell is enough to fill in the blanks. Or the feeling of a hard wooden bench underneath.

    It’s good that you want to be a writer! Very good! Keep working at it, and don’t write for anybody else but yourself. Always finish a story if you feel strongly about it. Years down the road, you might go back and polish it up and have a winner! :)

    Good luck.

  3. Killerfridge says:

    Pretty good.
    If it were me, I’d add more personality into it, and start off with speech. But on the whole, it’s good.

  4. i_read says:

    Not bad. If you really like to write I highly recommend joining a writing community. They’re great to get help and feedback. I recommend you joining http://www.chapteread.com It’s free and it’s my favorite writing site!