What do you think of my short passage for my novel?

Question by Mariah: What do you think of my short passage for my novel?
I am fourteen years old and wants to be a writer. I need help taking off on a good first page and I enjoy writing. So please tell me what you think?

A cool summer breeze brushed against Crystal Collins’s warm cheeks. It was a beautiful Saturday afternoon and not one cloud was insight. A big white airplane soared several feet above her head, making a high, whistling sound. She was standing outside the airport with her younger brother, J.C., her mother, Joyce, and her father, Ron. She had one purple suitcase dragging in one hand and a purple duffle bag in the other. Her dark-brown hair was tied back into a medium-length ponytail; her dark brown eyes gleamed into the sunlight, the hem of her purplish-blue dress flowed against the wind, and her metallic Coach platforms scraped against the freshly paved sidewalk.

Best answer:

Answer by Haley Jaley
hmmm….. the writing is a bit clumsy at the moment. always avoid the word BIG – it shounds childish.

There is far too much description in this passage, try to spread it out and maybe describe what she looks like in a later paragraph instead of choking the reader with all this in the first paragraph

hope i helped.


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